The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
