I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
