Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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