Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
