I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
