I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
