I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
