One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize