i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dignity is for republicans.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
