My balls are so social today.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
