Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
