After last night, I could never be a politician.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize