Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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