farters have to be the big spoon...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
