Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
