Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
