I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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