I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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