The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
