its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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