Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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