So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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