i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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