those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
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