All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
