DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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