Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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