I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
