The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
