I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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