I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
