If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
