Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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