youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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