I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
