he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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