Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
