My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
