Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
