just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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