there's paper in my vomit.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
