The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the day after is always just damage control
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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