He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
