Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
