I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
