when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
