At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
