The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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