please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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