I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
