Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
