I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
