i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
