Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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