did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
