Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
